My mid 30's

2005...A new year, "a new beginning"????? The Vote on that is still up in the air. The 1st 3 months of the year have been well...Shall we say "We just thank god everyday for giving us a brand new day to make all kinds of New and better mistakes.

When I turned 29, God had blessed me with a beautiful baby girl. She had a ruff start but you would never know that by looking at her. She is 5 going on 20.

For the most part I have a wonderful family. That I love. Sure we have our ups and downs, but what family is perfect.

When I turned 30, I was ready to close the chapter of the "20's"...Lets just say I have learned from my mistakes, except for 1.

The 1 mistake that I seem to keep on making is, a very hard thing for me to stop doing. I know that I have too, for my own well being. I think that is why I can not get better with my depression & eating disorder. It has only been 2-1/2 yrs since I admitted that I had an eating disorder (the ruffest 2-1/2 yrs of my life). Don't get me wrong, god gave me my baby girl to get me through this. She makes me strong. She is the reason I get up everyday.
My mistake is not living for ME, I have been trying to be someone that I will never be, for someone that no matter what I do or say will ever be right. I don't even know who, since I was about 11, that I am suppose to be.
When I am with Vivien, I am myself, the person I need to be all the time. But it seems that once I walk out my front door, the movie begins. I am playing a part in some movie and I don't know how to stop it.

How??? I ask do you stop playing a part that you have been acting out for the past 23 yrs of your life. How do I stop it.
The person (that I love dearly) does not even know how much pain she causes me everyday. Someone that has always been there, but just not quit in the right way.

I'm tired of this movie and I don't think I can play the part much longer. I look back on my life and relize that I have not lived it for myself.
p.s. Kimberly...You probably know who I am talking about, so PLEASE, I beg you NOT to say anything!! I'm just having a low day today, I have not had one in quite some time. I will be fine, things will be the way they need to be.